Actual Conversations Inflicted Upon Me
At work. With a patient.
Me: Hi, ma'am. Did you need something?
Patient: No.
Me: Oh, well, your call light was on.
Patient: I know.
Me: So you did push your nurse-call button?
Patient: Yeah.
Me: Ok, so what do you want?
Patient: Nothin'.
Me: Then why did you push the button?
Patient: No reason.
Me: You know if you keep doing that I'm going to throw you out the window again, right?
Different patient. Same night.
Patient: I want icecream.
Me: Ok, sir, let me check with your nurse to make sure that it's alright with your diet.
Patient: What are you, stupid?
Me: Excuse me?
Patient: You always gotta check everything with the damn nurse. Don't you know anything for yourself? What do they pay you for?
Me: Well you see, sir, I'm legally retarded. That's why they only give me nasty, old fuckers to care for. That way when I accidentally set one of their beds on fire and then piss on it to put the fire out, well, no one gets to bent out of shape. (Well, that's what I should have said)
At the bar. Talking to some girl. Very mattressable. Deaf as a post, though.
Her: WHY'D YOU BRING A BOOK TO THE BAR?
Me: I wanted to read. I thought it'd be quieter in here on Christmas.
Her: WHAT?
Me: I SAID-
Her: WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
(I hand her the book. She skims the inside cover.)
Her: THAT SOUNDS REALLY COOL. Y'KNOW I READ A BOOK ONCE.
Me: Reeeee-aaallly?
Her: YEAH. IT WAS ABOUT PABLO ESCOBAR.
Me: You're really hot.
Her: WHAT? IT'S SO LOUD IN HERE.
Me: I want you to lay on top of me.
Her: I SAID PABLO ESCOBAR! IT WAS REALLY GOOD!
Me: Do you need your salad tossed? I'm good at that.
Her: PABLO ESCOBAR!
Me: I'm so lonely. Some nights I get weepy thinking about old episodes of Joan of Arcadia.
Her: YOU KNOW? THE DRUG DEALER?
Me: But seriously, I will take you to the men's room right now and eat your ass until your eyes roll back in your skull and all you can do is drool and mumble like a brain damage victim.
Her: BUT YEAH, CHECK IT OUT SOMETIME. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. I'M GONNA GO TALK TO THAT GUY OVER THERE. EARLIER HE OFFERED TO TAKE ME TO THE MEN'S ROOM AND EAT MY ASS UNTIL MY EYES ROLLED BACK IN MY SKULL. I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO HOT. BYE!
Me: Hi, ma'am. Did you need something?
Patient: No.
Me: Oh, well, your call light was on.
Patient: I know.
Me: So you did push your nurse-call button?
Patient: Yeah.
Me: Ok, so what do you want?
Patient: Nothin'.
Me: Then why did you push the button?
Patient: No reason.
Me: You know if you keep doing that I'm going to throw you out the window again, right?
Different patient. Same night.
Patient: I want icecream.
Me: Ok, sir, let me check with your nurse to make sure that it's alright with your diet.
Patient: What are you, stupid?
Me: Excuse me?
Patient: You always gotta check everything with the damn nurse. Don't you know anything for yourself? What do they pay you for?
Me: Well you see, sir, I'm legally retarded. That's why they only give me nasty, old fuckers to care for. That way when I accidentally set one of their beds on fire and then piss on it to put the fire out, well, no one gets to bent out of shape. (Well, that's what I should have said)
At the bar. Talking to some girl. Very mattressable. Deaf as a post, though.
Her: WHY'D YOU BRING A BOOK TO THE BAR?
Me: I wanted to read. I thought it'd be quieter in here on Christmas.
Her: WHAT?
Me: I SAID-
Her: WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
(I hand her the book. She skims the inside cover.)
Her: THAT SOUNDS REALLY COOL. Y'KNOW I READ A BOOK ONCE.
Me: Reeeee-aaallly?
Her: YEAH. IT WAS ABOUT PABLO ESCOBAR.
Me: You're really hot.
Her: WHAT? IT'S SO LOUD IN HERE.
Me: I want you to lay on top of me.
Her: I SAID PABLO ESCOBAR! IT WAS REALLY GOOD!
Me: Do you need your salad tossed? I'm good at that.
Her: PABLO ESCOBAR!
Me: I'm so lonely. Some nights I get weepy thinking about old episodes of Joan of Arcadia.
Her: YOU KNOW? THE DRUG DEALER?
Me: But seriously, I will take you to the men's room right now and eat your ass until your eyes roll back in your skull and all you can do is drool and mumble like a brain damage victim.
Her: BUT YEAH, CHECK IT OUT SOMETIME. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU. I'M GONNA GO TALK TO THAT GUY OVER THERE. EARLIER HE OFFERED TO TAKE ME TO THE MEN'S ROOM AND EAT MY ASS UNTIL MY EYES ROLLED BACK IN MY SKULL. I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO HOT. BYE!
posted by Louis at 8:03 PM
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