A little pick me up.

You know those useless celebrities I'm always bitching about. I think I found a reason for them being on this planet. It's to remind the rest of us that we aren't completely fucking useless.

Sometimes I feel bad about myself because, if the apocalypse happened tomorrow, I probably wouldn't have a very useful role in whatever society rose from the ashes since I don't know how to hunt or fish or operate a diesel and I absolutely hate fighting zombies. I'd pretty much be the guy that didn't get to leave Thunderdome. Or I'd be a male prostitute. Whatever.

Then I look at Aston Kutcher and I feel like Charlton Fucking Heston. Some nights the only thought that allows me to get some sleep is the idea that while our evil robot overlords have me slaving away in their unobtainium mines, Cthulu and Beelzebub will be playing hackey sack with Britany Spears' charred breast implants.

...

Yes, I do realize I need to get out more.